So, after months of boycotting FHE-I can't really explain why, it just happened-I am starting to go again. Last night I was lamenting the strange fact that while I completely understand and know exactly what I should be doing, I am not doing it. As I lie in my bed and contemplate this hole in my chest, this void inside me, I feel a current flowing around me, leading me somewhere good. So many elements are in place to guide me and I am fiercely resisting all of them. Why? I don't know. It's a pattern in my life that I haven't learned how to break-as I start to get close to something good, I ruin it. It's like I'm out of my self, observing the plot unfold. I see myself start to push people away, trying to force something too soon. "No, you fool," I want to shout, "Just stop!" But I don't listen to anyone, especially me.
Tonight, after FHE, I went to karaoke with some friends, which was a lot of fun. It took my mind of things and made me feel semi-normal, again. But at the same time, it was hard, because the people that I wanted to see most were absent (although, given my vocal performance, I might not have wanted them there). Also, sitting there, listening to friends and strangers sing, I couldn't help but think that it wasn't my first choice for the evening's activities. I would much prefer something low-key and relaxed, but that wasn't how the cards played out tonight. How rare are those relationships? How often do you find those people with whom you can completely be yourself-with no pretense or stress of trying to present yourself a certain way. There are only a few people that I've ever felt open around and I just wonder how hard I should fight for that. And of those people, for whom I let my guard down, do they feel the same way about me? Or are they hiding things? Do they value that openness and recognize the vulnerability I've exposed. Are they going to fight for that, or is it nothing to them? Am I nothing?
And, of course, with all the craziness in me right now, an old mistake is calling again. It would be so easy to be with him. I can't pretend that I have no desire to be held and told how beautiful I am; to have someone try so hard to please me, even when I (if not both of us) know that there is nothing substantial between us. As always, no matter how much I reason it out in my head and understand that I should stay away, it comes down to a choice that isn't influenced by logic. Do I resist that momentary desire and sit at home alone, or do I completely ignore every warning voice and walk to my car and drive to his place? I think this time I can be strong.
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